Happy Voyage!
by Most Wicked
Summary: Enjoy my little parody of ST-Voyager


Enjoy my little parody of Voyager (only one chapter, will NOT expand further)

And I also apologize if I don't remember the characters ranks correctly.

The stars of the Delta Quadrant were glowing like precious jewels in the vast emptiness of space. Everything was quiet – there is no atmosphere to pass on sound waves, after all.

Despite this, a sound could be heard. **WHOOSH**

The USS Voyager enters the screen, for some reason not in Warp – although the closest planet is light-years away, and it's still a very long way from home.

Inside the bridge, the crew is bored. They sit on their respective chairs, staring at the screen, watching the glowing stars.

Suddenly, Ensign Harry Kim starts pushing some buttons.

Kim: "Captain! I'm reading some sub-material electro-neural activity in the second positronic neutronium spectrum!"

Janeway: "[puzzled] What are you trying to say, Ensign Kim?"

Harry looks up on her from his console.

Kim: "There's an unidentified ship dead ahead"

And indeed, everybody could see via the main screen the gleaming form of an alien vessel, sailing among the stars.

Kim: "The alien ship is scanning us"

A green scanning beam washed over Voyager.

Captain Janeway lifts her hand in a rude gesture towards the screen, while First Officer Chakotay lowers his pants and shows his naked butt to the scanner beam.

After the beam disappears, Chakotay lifts his pants, Janeway lowers her hand, and both sit on their respective chairs.

Chakotay: "[mutters] I sure hope they picked this up…"

Kim: "They are hailing us Captain!"

Tuvok: "May I suggest…"

Janeway: "No you may not!"

Tuvok: "But, still I think…"

Janeway: "Thinking is not a crime. Keep doing just that, Vulcan".

Tuvok looked slightly dismayed, but he _was_ a Vulcan, so he continued to stare emotionlessly at the screen in front of him.

Janeway: "Open subspace communication channel to the alien ship"

Kim: "Already done"

An alien face appeared on the screen. It looked exactly like a human being, only it had enormous green pimples all over his face. Janeway wasn't sure if it was typical of this guy's race, or was it just an incredibly ugly individual.

Ugly Alien: "We are the Tuvlaroid race, and we greet you…"

Janeway: "This is captain Janeway of the Federation vessel Voyager. We come in peace. You have 10 seconds to beat it before we blast you to smitherins"

Ugly Alien: "But… but we haven't done…"

Janeway: "Seven!"

Ugly Alien: "This is outrageous! We will not…"

Janeway: "Four!"

Ugly Alien: "You leave us no choice! We are forced to open fire on you!"

Kim: "The ship is raising shields and powering weapons!"

Chakotay: "Katheryn! Why have you threatened them? After all, this is against Starfleet protocol!"

Janeway: "Oh come-on, you know the plot of these episodes! We would've probably fought this ship sooner or later anyway, so I just decided to get straight to business. I'm sick of waiting Chakotay! My husband Mark or whatever is waiting for me back home, and I haven't had a good fuck since two years ago!"

Chakotay: "Well, Captain, if that's what bothers you so much, I'm sure I could arrange something to help you a bit with this problem…"

He was interrupted by the bridge shaking violently.

Kim: "We were hit!"

Janeway: "Damage report!"

Kim: "Starboard shields at 47…"

BOOM, the bridge is shaking again.

Kim: "3 percent!"

Janeway: "That's it? Only the fucking shields? What are you waiting for? Paris, make yourself useful and maneuver to somewhere so we wouldn't be sitting ducks"

Paris: "Engaging evasive maneuver Delta Sev…"

Janeway: "Yeah yeah… whoever is responsible of weapons – Fire!"

Unseen Voice: "Aye aye, Captain!

An orange beam lashes out of the Voyager.

Janeway: "What kind of damage we inflicted?"

Kim: "We made their shields visible for a few second, but besides of that I'm not reading any damage whatsoever on the hostile enemy vessel!"

Janeway: "Impossible… they must have advanced jamming equipment to mask their damage from us… shoot again! And this time, penetrate those fucking shields!!!"

Unseen Voice: "Aye aye…"

Janeway: "WILL YOU STOP SAYING THIS STUPID 'AYE AYE' ALREADY!?! Damn, what a screwed-up crew…"

Unseen voice: "Sheesh, you don't have to shout…"

Bridge is shaking, yet again. The lights go dim for a second, then return to full power.

Janeway: "What the hell is wrong with the lights? Tuvok, go see Belanna, tell her to send a lightbulb technician to the bridge ASAP…"

Tuvok: "I don't think it will be necessary"

Janeway: "I've already told you to think! Now you're telling me you're NOT thinking?"

Tuvok: "What I meant is that the lights are perfectly fine. The reason for the lights going off was probably something with the matter/antimatter chamber, or whatever is generating the power on this small, inadequate ship"

Janeway: "That's right… I'm so glad I thought of this. [to comm-badge] Janeway to Belanna, are you having trouble down in engineering?"

Belanna: "Well, except for the starboard warp nacelle being cut off from the rest of the hull, everything is A OK. Why do you ask?"

Janeway frowns.

Janeway: "The star…. starb… starboard…"

Belanna: "The _right_ nacelle"

Janeway: "Oh, so the right warp naceller… THE RIGHT WARP NACELLETT CUT OFF!?! HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET HOME!!?? You have orders to fix that warp… thingy immediately!!!!!!!"

Belanna: "[rolling her eyes] Oh sure, I'd just walk outside of the ship to open space, take the 100 meter long nacelle on my back, then somehow bring it back to the ship without being left in open space with all the erratic maneuvers that moron Paris is doing…"

Paris: "Hey!"

Belanna: "Then I just chew a gum, and use it to stick the nacelle to the hull. How's that plan sounds?"

Janeway: "Great. Get to it."

Belanna: "But…"

Janeawy cuts off the link.

Janeawy: "[Mutters] It's so difficult to find good engineers these days…"

Bridge shakes.

Chakotay: "Ahhh, Katheryn, don't you think we should hail them and ask for cease fire before they vaporize our ship?"

Janeay: "No. They've pissed me off, and now I'll watch them die."

Chakotay: "Come on, captain, more lives than your own are at stake here! Hail them!"

Janeway: "Hail them? Sorry, I prefer to nail them…"

Chakotay: "Katheryn, for once can't you stop being so stubborn…"

Janeway folds her hands.

Chakotay: "[mutters] Perhaps now is the time for a real maquis rebellion… like in that episode with the holo-novel that Tuvok forgot to erase in his stupidity…"

Tuvok: "I heard that!"

Chakotay: "[continues to mutter] If I were in charge, I'd surely…"

Kim: "I am reading something in the shuttle bay! It's…"

Tuvok: "It's a boarding party" 

Tuvok leaves the bridge in a hurry.

Janeway: "How many intruders do you read?"

Kim: "20, perhaps 21"

Janeway: "Ah, piece of cake. The Vulcan can handle it even without help"

Kim: "The alien ship is hailing us captain!"

Janeway: "What do you know? Perhaps they wish to surrender? Open subspace channel!"

Ugly Alien: "Captain Janeway! Your small vessel is crippled in space! We have boarding parties all around your ship! Do you surrender?"

Janeway: "Hmmm let me think…. No."

Ugly Alien: "OK, you asked for it. We are going to launch a torpedo directly to your life support system! Our bold yet expendable marines will steal everything they can and then rush out of your ship before life-support fails, and you all die slow agonizing death! I'm giving you a last chance to surrender!"

Janeway: "Errrrrrm… No?"

Ugly Alien: "[Deep sigh] Farewell, Captain Janeway…"

Borg Cube: "We are the Borg. Prepare to be assimilated. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness…"

Ugly Alien: "Huh? Where the fuck have THEY come from?"

Janeway: "Surely, you did not expect the writers will let the ship after which the show is called perish, especially by the hands of such a pimplehead?"

Ugly Alien: "[Gasp] So you counted on the writers to save you all along? That's why you refused to surrender?"

Janeway: "That's right, ugly! Prepare to be assimilated![chuckles]"

Ugly Alien: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Janeway: "MWHAHAHAHA!"

Ugly Alien Drone: "We are the Borg…"

Janeway: "We won. Good riddance."

Chakotay: "I hate to bring the bad news, captain, but what will prevent the Borg from assimilating US!?!"

Q: "Hello!"

Entire Bridge Crew: "Q!"

Q: "That's right kids! I got a word from a writer… what was his name? Something Wicked, I think… anyway, he's a writer of Fanfiction.net, and he asked for me to help you rid of a… Rubik's Cube? Did Starfleet become THAT weak?"

Janeway: "It's _Borg _Cube, Q, not Rubik's Cube…"

Q: "Oh, now it makes sense!"

Q snaps his fingers.

Borg Cube: "We are the… What tha? Oh damn, it's the Q… Q, you can suck our collective co… [cut off]"

Q: "Now you can go on with the plot"

Q disappears.

Tuvok walks to the bridge.

Tuvok: "The alien boarding party is neutralized. Did I miss anything of significance?"

Janeway: "Not much, not much…"

Belanna: "[from comm-badge] Starboard Warp Nacelle is in place, and looking good!"

Janeway: "Good job. You get extra rations this week"

Back in engineering Belanna grins, and cuts off connection.

Janeway: "I wonder what that happened in the first place. After all, this ship is equipped with a structural integrity field, does it not?"

Paris: "Trust me captain – with Starfleet ships, there are NO impossible malfunctions…"

Janeway: "Oh, I know what you mean Lieutenant…"

Kim: "The ship is in good shape and ready to go!"

Janeway: "Damn, you guys work really quick… I think I've underestimated your abilities…"

The Voyager goes to warp.

The Voyager emerges from warp somewhere near a green and blue planet.

Janeway: "Janeway to Belanna. What happened?"

Belanna: "I think the gum did not held. That only proves that only Orbit, can keep you safely in orbit!"

Janeway: "[mutters] Perhaps I should order the doctor to check for insanity-causing diseases aboard the ship…"

Chakotay is looking at the planet through the main screen.

Chakotay: "How beautiful… It looks so much like Earth…"

As the planet rotates, the other hemisphere, with huge green-colored mountains scattered all over it, is slowly revealed.

Chakotay: "[Gulps] damn… now we know where those pimpleheads came from…"

Belanna: "Bad news. We need some neutrino-cappuccino to start the Warp drive again. The planet below us seems like it has a plentiful quantity of this rare substance."

All Bridge Crew: "Away Team!"

Janeway: "Prepare the shuttle to take off ASAP. Tuvok, you go down with Paris and Neelix…"

Belanna: "I'm sorry to interrupt captain, but wouldn't it be best if we just used the transporter instead a primitive shuttle to beam down the away team?"

Janeway: "Belanna, Belanna… Frankly, I have expected for more from my chief engineer. When was the last time you can remember the transporters working properly when we need them?"

Belanna: "It was… I… errrrm…"

Janeway: "That's right. Prepare a shuttle."

An hour later, the away team is in place.

Neelix: "Can you tell me, Mr. Vulcan, what are we looking, exactly? What is this… Neutrino-Cappuccino?"

Tuvok: "You are the cook. You tell me."

Paris: "[holding a tricoder] Hold on you two! I'm picking up three life forms hidin in those bushes over there!"

Tuvok: "[Draws his Phaser] The solution for this problem is simple. We just [points the Phaser to the bushes]…"

Paris: "WAIT TUVOK!!!!!"

Tuvok: "What?"

Paris: "The readings show that these life forms are females! Also, I cannot pick up any form of clothing or cover on their bodies…"

Suddenly, three beautiful and completely naked women step out of the bushes. Their faces don't bear any sign of pimples.

Paris starts to drool.

The women are smiling and making seducing motions.

Tuvok: "Although I cannot deny this situation is very tempting, my Vulcan discipline cannot allow me to…"

Paris: "Captain Janeway will never know…"

Vulcan: "On the other hand, there are those times when my Vulcan discipline must be forgotten…"

Neelix: "[Drooling too] Damn, and I thought Kes was fine…"

The three quickly tear off their clothes.

A highly pornographic scene follows.

Back on Voyager.

Janeway: "Damn, what's delaying them… Perhaps I should send Kes with her telepathic abilities to check if they're allright."

Back on the planet.

The six are lying side by side on the beautiful grass of a green hill, smoking.

Paris: "The dream of every pilot, no – every MALE – has just came true. Having sex with a beautiful young girl with big breasts, and she's not saying a single word!"

Vulcan: "Oh yes… I am quite familiar with the post-mating lack of satisfaction females often experience when the male doesn't have…"

Paris: "Hey hey, hold on. What are you trying to say?"

Suddenly, Kes beams down right in front of them!

Kes: "[Smile fading] Neelix!!! How could you do this to me!!!"

Neelix: "Ahhhh… ahhh… there's no reason to be upset sweaty… You can join us if you want to…"

Kes: "ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Neelix: "That's right! Come to me, baby!"

But instead, Kes beams back up.

Neelix: "[Confused] Did I say something wrong?"

Several minutes later, on Voyager.

The bridge is deserted, only Kes is sitting in Paris' chair.

Kes: "So long, sucker!"

A Photon Torpedo exit Voyager and slams down on the planet's surface.

Janeway: "[Via comm.-badge] Kes? Kes, can you hear me? Kes? Get us out of the brig, now! I don't know what's got into you, but perhaps the doctor could help you to deal with the problem…"

Kes: "[thinking aloud] The doctor? Hmmmm…. I'm sure he has the mating behavior of humanoid species included in his medical program… Maybe…"

Janeway: "Kes! Kes!!!!"

Kes: "Ah, shut-up!"

Tears the badge from her uniform and throws it to the floor.

The USS Voyager then turns around and leaves the system at sub-light speeds.

EXTRA-SHORT EPILOGUE

Back on the planet, Tuvok Neelix and Paris were left behind, but they don't mind. The torpedo that Kes fired missed them, and created a nice crater that they converted into a home. The babes moved in with them. They mate 3 times a day.

The crew of the Voyager dies in the brig. Janeway lasts after the rest have perished, but then surprisingly disappears in a violet flash of light, with a sound similar to snapping fingers… wonder what happened to her…

Kes teaches the doctor about the practical implications of humanoid mating behavior. 

A few days later, a large meteor strikes the Voyager and obliterates it, due to some unexplainable whims of the writer.

THE END


End file.
